thoughtsgather

I sit across from the student therapist. The room is too hot and the chairs too paisley. The old pipes talk their secrets as i talk mine. Theirs are more interesting.

She states revelations I already knew. I say “oh yes, I have never thought about it in that way”. Of course I have. I validate her responses to me. And I wonder who is getting the therapy.

The darkness crept in.

And my girls saw me crying.

I tried to escape, I put my hair in front of my face and told them both I’d be right back.

I shut the door and lay face down on my bed. The sobs came fiercely. No suppression, I wanted them gone.

Footsteps outside the door. I breathe deep, healing breaths. I will be okay, I will be okay, I repeat to myself in whispers.

The sobbing and tears end. I look in the mirror, my face does not have the ability to hide the pain.

I open the door and they are both standing there.

“mommy crying” my two year old says.

“mommy’s fine” I smile and say to both of them.

My 6 year old says nothing. She wraps her arm around my middle and I kiss the top of her head.

“let’s go finish building with those blocks!”. My voice chipper and forced.

Maeve looks at me and smiles. We build castles together.

She says to me, “but you have been yelling at me all day!”

She is in tears in a crumbled ball on the freshly vacuumed rug.

But I haven’t been yelling at her all day. Yes, in that moment I did yell. Her whining of not being able to get dressed on her own was more than I could handle at that moment. I yelled. I called out her age. But I hadn’t been yelling at her all day. That was fact.

She said I had been yelling at her all day. That was her truth.

I look into your eyes and see a mirror reflecting back. As you begin your journey I think of the possibilities for you. I mourn for my possibilities. You stand before me lost in play.

Fiona, I say. Fiona.

I’m compelled to say these words to you that I have said before.

Fiona, you always be who you are meant to be. You love who you want to love, and you do what you want to do. Okay?

Your two your old grin meets me. Your eyes twinkle.

Ok mama, you say.

I hope if I say these words enough that one day you will hear them. That one day I will hear them.